You know those surveys "friends," and relatives (relative to whom?) send out to, 'learn all about you?' Yeah, I hate them too. This one is designed to tell the truth about these time wasting pieces of - uh - mail...................Questions are in black. Answers are in green.
Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Fun? Exactly how much fun is it to hear this stuff for the thousandth time? Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers. Of course I'll delete your answers. They're stupid anyway and I haven't really read anyone else's answers since the first stupid survey hit my in box ten years ago. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know... I have it on good authority that almost everyone I am acquainted with is well aware of what kind of salad dressing I like, that I am so effing tired of The Beatles AND The Stones I could scream and that there hasn't been a kind of ice cream I won't inhale one time of the month or another so none of these people are waiting with bated breath for my next fascinating survey entry, but if I'm feeling grouchy enough I'll at least send it to those who've pissed me off in the last six months. And Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers. Of course I'll send it back to you. I just said, nobody else gives a crap. The Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know. Only if you actually read the answers and who the hell does that? Remember To Send It Back to me!! Okey doke.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Translation: What the eff were your parents thinking when they dug up the psyche scarring moniker you carry? I hope whatever distant relative they, 'honored,' is leaving you money.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Translation: How completely shitty is your life? Give me details.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Translation: Can you write? Because Susie was telling Patty who told Maggie who told me you never got past the first grade. (You're really gonna need that money).
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Translation: What do you hork down during the day that makes your ass so large? Turkey? Whatever. Only if it's thrown by accident onto a Big Mac.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Translation: How many snot nosed, big mouth offspring have you and your husband had the gall to produce?
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Translation: Now this is just stupid. What's someone going to say, 'No I'm a bee-otch and can't stand to be in the same room with me.,'?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Translation: Just how big a bitch are you?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Translation: This one means what it says but how lame. You should always add the body parts you have had removed and spice it up with bloody details and pictures if you've got 'em.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Translation: Are you suicidal and if you do scrape bottom can I have your diamond studs and that sweet little Prada bag you bought last year?
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Translation: You are enormous. This is less a question than a reminder of the fact that you should be ingesting cereal (even Cocoa Puffs, for goodness' sake) instead of the All You Can Eat at I Hop.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Translation: Really, who in the hell cares?
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Translation: This can be interpreted in several ways. I'm thinking the insult implied depends on your deal. Are you so muscled up people mistake you for your brother? Could you use a little more deodorant? Are you sane or waiting on the curb for the men in white coats?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Translation: This is subliminal coercion. You're eating healthy, losing weight, gaining curves and angles, buying new, pretty clothes. Some, 'friend,' sends you this and you start to think of every kind of ice cream you've ever eaten to determine your favorite. By the time you make a decision, Baskin Robbins is out of most of its 31 flavors because your, 'sample,' size for each was at least two scoops.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Translation: Everyone always says, 'smile,' or, 'eyes,' but you know that's bull shit. People notice the roots you have yet to cover up even after three months of out growth. They notice your Birkenstocks over white crew socks and the culotte you've been wearing since 1977. The only way they notice your eyes is if you do your make up like Tammy Faye Baker. Your smile is memorable only if the spinach you ate (inside a piece of lasagna the size of Italy) is wedged between your front teeth.
15. RED OR PINK
Translation: Are you a slut or a virgin? Sluts like red because it's sexy. Virgins like pink because it fools people into thinking they're virgins.....
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Translation: I know what I don't like about you and the list is loooong, but it might be more fun to know where your weak spots are before taking aim.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
Translation: Are you a decent person? Do you miss your mom, dad, brother, sister, best friend or any of the other people who make up a normal, wholesome existence? Or, are you a ho-bag who wants nothing more than to see a parade of all your old boyfriends, one night at a time.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Translation: Let's think for a moment. What would you say? 'Well, I'm sending it to everyone, but I'm hoping Candice will read my answers then eat shit and die.'
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: This one falls into the, are you kidding me, who gives a flying frig? category.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Translation: You are beyond enormous. Put the fork down now.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Translation: I'm pretend listening to my (boss, soon to be ex, my kid's teacher who phoned because Junior, again, lit the classroom on fire) and would open a vein if I thought it might get me out of this current situation. How about you?
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Translation: Stupid question. I'd be an ugly color. Ass crack brown or maybe that scaley yellow that flakes off the edge of a planter's wart.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Translation: How well does your olfactory gland perform because I'm telling you, honey, you need to invest in soap, Listerine and maybe a perfume that you didn't inherit from your great grandmother.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Translation: Do you even have friends, loser?
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Translation: No, I hate their guts. WTF..........seriously.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Translation: Are you cool (baseball, football, NASCAR), English or
maybe Argentinian (soccer) or a lesbian (girl's college softball).
27. Hair Color?
Translation: Come on bitch. We all know it isn't really blonde. What color is
your hair?
28. EYE COLOR?
Translation: I mean eye color as it pertains to the part that isn't constantly
red from reefer.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Translation: I've seen the guys you date. You should wear contacts.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Translation: You are a hefer, so tell me the truth. I'm thinking Twinkies? Ho Hos?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Translation: With all the other unfortunate deviations in your life already you
don't really need to see another installment of the Michael Myers Halloween
movies, do you? Dumb and Dumber ends on a hopeful note and it's just your
speed.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Translation: Are you intellectual and politically current and correct (Syriana),
hip (anything by Spike Lee) or the big hillbilly loving cracker everyone says
you are (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour).
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: Are you even out of your pajamas yet?
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Translation: Which season produces fewer, 'I just bought out the liquor store, honey,' episodes at your trailer?
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Translation: Don't say, 'both,' unless you are a harlot.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Translation: God, food again? Let's review. You. Big. Don't eat. Period.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the biggest loser?
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the snottiest bee-otch who will delete this thing because if she gets one more frigging survey from you she's going to download a virus on your computer just to get you out of her life?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Translation: Can you read? Because Susie told Patty who told Maggie who told me, you never got past the first grade.
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Translation: Who thinks up this stupid, inane shit anyway?
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Translation: How many hours do you spend in front of the tube eating all that food you love so much, fat ass?
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Translation: Yeah, turn the TV down. There are all kinds of things you might hear. Well and if your dozen and a half children would shut up.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Translation: Which over rated, over the biggest hill there could EVER BE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD bunch of homely ass men turn you on?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME???
Translation: Self explanatory. Oh! But, 'down to the Piggly Wiggly fer by one get one free mac-n-cheese,' doesn't count.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Translation: Hang on, I have to stop laughing. O.K., special talent - what is it? No, pee-writing your name in the snow doesn't count even if you are a girl.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Translation: On the list of things I simply never cared to know, but it's on the damn survey.............
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Translation: I know you're nearly (fill in the blank) years old but, still, who is your really, true for now and always BFF? Fine bitch, I don't like you either.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
