Today is, "How many ways are there to completely piss me off to the point where I want to pick up an anvil and drop it on your head like you were Wiley Coyote?" day. "You," is subjective to whatever moment I happen to be in. It started at Tim Horton's where I finally figured out why half of my bagel is always sopping wet with butter and the other half is so dry it goes down like sandpaper. The idiots only butter the bottom half! Then, they put the top on, cut it in quarters and wrap it up. I wanted to say, "Listen, ace, butter both g.d. halves or I'm coming over this counter," but wisely kept my trap shut. It was early and I knew I could not have put the preceding politely. Then the top to my coffee leaked and I spilled some on my cream colored sweater and the very most sensitive part of my lap. By this time I was back in the car, where Mark swiftly hit the locks and began moving too fast for me to jump out and make good on my ugly (but silent) threat. We were heading to Rochester for an appointment, so I leaned my head back after making damn sure the freaking bagel was all the way down my throat. I didn't want to choke to death in my sleep. When we woke up I was, 'better.' Sort of. I read a book while waiting for Mark to complete his appointment and that was pleasant except for the guy to my right who couldn't sit his ass down for more than 15 seconds at a time.
"Little too much caffeine this morning," I asked. He seemed to have no idea at all to what I was referring. Moron. I drove on the way home as Mark was under the influence of some really good drugs that have a tendency to put grizzly bears to sleep. Mark kept insisting he was fine, that they had given him the, 'lowest dose possible.' OK.
"Did you feel anything," I asked.
"Not a thing," he said, grinning like a coked up circus clown.
"Then you got the full dose," I told him.
"No," Mr. Happy Face said. "No. I told them to give me very little."
"Okey doke." There was no sense arguing when I knew he'd be asleep two minutes into our ride home. We rode along in silence and I glanced at him to see if he was out. Not yet. He was staring out the window at the passing winter landscape with the silliest damn grin I had seen since early November when I received the same meds for the same reason.
"You know," he said on a great big sigh. "I do feel like I've got a pretty good buzz on."
"Are you tired," I asked.
"Not at all," he said. I nodded and turned to look at him again. He was still sitting straight up but was completely asleep, his eyes hammered shut. It was pretty cute and since I thought so, I figured my irritation was over for the day. I'd finally woken up. I was wrong. As we left the thruway a black VW tried to cut me off heading for the Easypass lane. I sped up (I drive a Chevy truck - puhlease), and went through the exit lane with this little bug riding my tail. She tried again to cut me off and all the irritation of the morning slammed back into my head in the form of murderous rage. Not a good place for that to happen, I realize. Luckily, the day a Chevy truck can't outrun a stupid little car like that is the day I go and get my Bobby Ewing Mercedes. I sped up with one hand on the wheel and the other one flashing hand signals at the b*$#@ driving the bug. She turned left the same as I did, in the lane next to me. I spoke some special words at the top of my lungs and might have given into my rage and followed her but I was hungry and there was a great big sign inviting me in to a fun place.
"Ooh," said I, all ten-year-old-happy. "Let's go to Friendly's." Mark just looked at me in his drug induced mellowness. "Yeah, shut up. I see the irony. Would you rather I follow the woman in the bug and beat her bloody THEN go?" He just shook his head. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Who needs adventure? Rephrase. Who, among those to whom I gave birth needs adventure? Seriously. Now I know why so many mothers drink. Alot. My big idea of adventure is stepping from the California aisle at Premier Liquors to the Argentine aisle and trying a new red. Or maybe shopping at Forever 21 without one of my daughters (forget how gd big the place is - I just don't like people staring at me with that, "Isn't she a little old to be in this place?" look on their face. I know the look so well because it's usually plastered across mine as I follow the girls through the rows of clothing and watch the other women my age and older believe it or not, cooing over 80's stuff that I wouldn't even wear in the 80's. Breakfast Club anyone?), though that probably wouldn't qualify as adventure so much as an I really shouldn't have had that second shot of tequila before lunch-type lack in judgment.
I'm just really freaking a little over the thought of Kimmy going to South Africa in a few weeks. It's not like she's not going with people who've been there before. Her boyfriend and his brother are from there. They know where to go and what to do. It's not the 17 hour flight - after the 90 minute one from Phoenix to San Francisco and the 5 hour one from San Fran to JFK in New York - though, God, I cannot imagine wanting to go somewhere badly enough to fly a whole frigging day. I'm hoping to get my courage up enough one day (and procuring a valium prescription from my doctor) to fly to Europe. Kimmy said, "Mommy, what would you do if I decided to stay in South Africa?" Ha ha. Funny kid. I said, "It would be ugly, Kimberly Jean Josephine, damned ugly. Just imagine me flying for 17 hours. Imagine my state of mind getting off that plane, knowing that once I retrieved your sorry ass I had to get back on and fly home." She said it was a joke. I said it better be.
It's just - Africa. Lions, tigers, snakes that could eat my house, mosquitoes bigger than my head. At first I thought, well it's not like they'll be camping out. Yeah. They'll be camping out. Oh, and, "Maybe bungee jumping at Victoria Falls, Mom." Nothing like a close up look. Everyone whose children are NOT going to Africa keep saying it's a Once In A Lifetime Trip. For them maybe - the lucky bastards whose offspring are content to stay a little closer to home. This is my adventurer child, though and I know this is only the beginning. There's talk of teaching in South America, though I keep trying to pretend I don't hear her when she talks about it.
When I wonder aloud where Kim got this sort of desire, my husband (at his peril, let me tell you) states calmly, "Uh, this is your fault, Lorie." My fault? "Well sure. Who told her - told all the kids for that matter - that anything they want to do is possible. When Kim was 4 and asked why women can't be priests, who told her it was a stupid damn rule and she could fight to change it if she wanted?" heh heh...... "Who stood up to the principal at the junior high, in front of the entire office staff and a dozen or so students including our daughter, when she blamed Kimmy for some crap Kimmy didn't do and demanded that the old bat apologize? Who turned down a request from the same principal that Kim reciprocate, with the statement - and I quote - 'When hell freezes?'" point taken..... "Who has told her since she was born about the cross country trips you took as a kid and how much you love to travel." point taken..... "Who let her go to Hawaii and California and New York city before she was even out of high school?" Fine! Jeez, who can remember all this stuff..................
....And anyway, the point is moot. She's going. To Africa. I'll be drinking. Constantly. I told Kimmy that I am happy for her and, truly I am. It's just - I wish I could put one of those leash/harness things for toddlers on her and all her siblings so that when I think they're going too far I could sorta yank them back. She said, "No worries, Mom. You have your heart strings and we'll be tangled up in those for the rest of our lives." Awwww - I think.
So, on December 26th, as my child wings her way around the world, I'll raise a glass (bottle) of, who knows, maybe a South African wine and toast my crazy, courageous daughter and her adventure.........She better bring me a really good present.
I'm just really freaking a little over the thought of Kimmy going to South Africa in a few weeks. It's not like she's not going with people who've been there before. Her boyfriend and his brother are from there. They know where to go and what to do. It's not the 17 hour flight - after the 90 minute one from Phoenix to San Francisco and the 5 hour one from San Fran to JFK in New York - though, God, I cannot imagine wanting to go somewhere badly enough to fly a whole frigging day. I'm hoping to get my courage up enough one day (and procuring a valium prescription from my doctor) to fly to Europe. Kimmy said, "Mommy, what would you do if I decided to stay in South Africa?" Ha ha. Funny kid. I said, "It would be ugly, Kimberly Jean Josephine, damned ugly. Just imagine me flying for 17 hours. Imagine my state of mind getting off that plane, knowing that once I retrieved your sorry ass I had to get back on and fly home." She said it was a joke. I said it better be.
It's just - Africa. Lions, tigers, snakes that could eat my house, mosquitoes bigger than my head. At first I thought, well it's not like they'll be camping out. Yeah. They'll be camping out. Oh, and, "Maybe bungee jumping at Victoria Falls, Mom." Nothing like a close up look. Everyone whose children are NOT going to Africa keep saying it's a Once In A Lifetime Trip. For them maybe - the lucky bastards whose offspring are content to stay a little closer to home. This is my adventurer child, though and I know this is only the beginning. There's talk of teaching in South America, though I keep trying to pretend I don't hear her when she talks about it.
When I wonder aloud where Kim got this sort of desire, my husband (at his peril, let me tell you) states calmly, "Uh, this is your fault, Lorie." My fault? "Well sure. Who told her - told all the kids for that matter - that anything they want to do is possible. When Kim was 4 and asked why women can't be priests, who told her it was a stupid damn rule and she could fight to change it if she wanted?" heh heh...... "Who stood up to the principal at the junior high, in front of the entire office staff and a dozen or so students including our daughter, when she blamed Kimmy for some crap Kimmy didn't do and demanded that the old bat apologize? Who turned down a request from the same principal that Kim reciprocate, with the statement - and I quote - 'When hell freezes?'" point taken..... "Who has told her since she was born about the cross country trips you took as a kid and how much you love to travel." point taken..... "Who let her go to Hawaii and California and New York city before she was even out of high school?" Fine! Jeez, who can remember all this stuff..................
....And anyway, the point is moot. She's going. To Africa. I'll be drinking. Constantly. I told Kimmy that I am happy for her and, truly I am. It's just - I wish I could put one of those leash/harness things for toddlers on her and all her siblings so that when I think they're going too far I could sorta yank them back. She said, "No worries, Mom. You have your heart strings and we'll be tangled up in those for the rest of our lives." Awwww - I think.
So, on December 26th, as my child wings her way around the world, I'll raise a glass (bottle) of, who knows, maybe a South African wine and toast my crazy, courageous daughter and her adventure.........She better bring me a really good present.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It's noon on Thursday, December something or effing other. There are white out conditions outside my front door and I'm stuck inside unless I want to shovel the driveway.......So, to elaborate, I'm stuck inside. I'm also on the verge of a pms pity party. I can feel it creeping into my brain like pee down the front of my pants the one time as a little kid I remember not being able to hold it. It's warm, uncomfortable, then freezing cold, embarrassing and inconvenient. I have plenty to do and will choose to do so in a little while. There are cookies and banana bread to bake. Pasta sauce to make for supper, Christmas presents to wrap, decorations to finish and, as always, writing to do. It's the, 'I feel sorry for me,' thing that's slowing me down........Well, and I'm also pissed. Went on facebook this morning and was kicked off with a notice that my something that I can't remember what it is - not my e-mail but something else - has been reported for abusive behavior. What? It's not that I don't want to abuse sometimes and I guess I did make fun of Jermaine Jackson's second eldest son's name (Jermagesty......'Jer kidding, right?') but that is all I can remember. I filed some sort of are you frigging kidding me protest and they sent me an e-mail saying they would, 'get back with (me) soon.' I hit reply and said, 'how soon is soon?' Big surprise - haven't heard anything yet.......Anyway, that whole thing really upset me. I'm a nice pers - a good person, at least. 'Nice,' is harder to come by this time of the month more than others. There's also the little matter of the fact I can't get any agents to look at my writing. I sent a sample of my query letter into a blog called Query Shark and, hopefully she'll look at the letter and be able to tell me what in the bloody hell I'm doing wrong. I should totally re-do it and have made attempts but keep coming back to I have no idea what in the world I'm doing. Every time I hear about someone getting published I want to open my vein just a little bit wider. I mean, how did they do it? What did they do? Who did they do? Who and what can I do? I just have to stick with it, I know. It only takes one yes. Blah blah blah........I could look for a job........Retail again? Open that vein....
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I promise, this is NOT the same old survey........
You know those surveys "friends," and relatives (relative to whom?) send out to, 'learn all about you?' Yeah, I hate them too. This one is designed to tell the truth about these time wasting pieces of - uh - mail...................Questions are in black. Answers are in green.
Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Fun? Exactly how much fun is it to hear this stuff for the thousandth time? Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers. Of course I'll delete your answers. They're stupid anyway and I haven't really read anyone else's answers since the first stupid survey hit my in box ten years ago. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know... I have it on good authority that almost everyone I am acquainted with is well aware of what kind of salad dressing I like, that I am so effing tired of The Beatles AND The Stones I could scream and that there hasn't been a kind of ice cream I won't inhale one time of the month or another so none of these people are waiting with bated breath for my next fascinating survey entry, but if I'm feeling grouchy enough I'll at least send it to those who've pissed me off in the last six months. And Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers. Of course I'll send it back to you. I just said, nobody else gives a crap. The Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know. Only if you actually read the answers and who the hell does that? Remember To Send It Back to me!! Okey doke.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Translation: What the eff were your parents thinking when they dug up the psyche scarring moniker you carry? I hope whatever distant relative they, 'honored,' is leaving you money.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Translation: How completely shitty is your life? Give me details.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Translation: Can you write? Because Susie was telling Patty who told Maggie who told me you never got past the first grade. (You're really gonna need that money).
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Translation: What do you hork down during the day that makes your ass so large? Turkey? Whatever. Only if it's thrown by accident onto a Big Mac.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Translation: How many snot nosed, big mouth offspring have you and your husband had the gall to produce?
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Translation: Now this is just stupid. What's someone going to say, 'No I'm a bee-otch and can't stand to be in the same room with me.,'?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Translation: Just how big a bitch are you?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Translation: This one means what it says but how lame. You should always add the body parts you have had removed and spice it up with bloody details and pictures if you've got 'em.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Translation: Are you suicidal and if you do scrape bottom can I have your diamond studs and that sweet little Prada bag you bought last year?
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Translation: You are enormous. This is less a question than a reminder of the fact that you should be ingesting cereal (even Cocoa Puffs, for goodness' sake) instead of the All You Can Eat at I Hop.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Translation: Really, who in the hell cares?
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Translation: This can be interpreted in several ways. I'm thinking the insult implied depends on your deal. Are you so muscled up people mistake you for your brother? Could you use a little more deodorant? Are you sane or waiting on the curb for the men in white coats?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Translation: This is subliminal coercion. You're eating healthy, losing weight, gaining curves and angles, buying new, pretty clothes. Some, 'friend,' sends you this and you start to think of every kind of ice cream you've ever eaten to determine your favorite. By the time you make a decision, Baskin Robbins is out of most of its 31 flavors because your, 'sample,' size for each was at least two scoops.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Translation: Everyone always says, 'smile,' or, 'eyes,' but you know that's bull shit. People notice the roots you have yet to cover up even after three months of out growth. They notice your Birkenstocks over white crew socks and the culotte you've been wearing since 1977. The only way they notice your eyes is if you do your make up like Tammy Faye Baker. Your smile is memorable only if the spinach you ate (inside a piece of lasagna the size of Italy) is wedged between your front teeth.
15. RED OR PINK
Translation: Are you a slut or a virgin? Sluts like red because it's sexy. Virgins like pink because it fools people into thinking they're virgins.....
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Translation: I know what I don't like about you and the list is loooong, but it might be more fun to know where your weak spots are before taking aim.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
Translation: Are you a decent person? Do you miss your mom, dad, brother, sister, best friend or any of the other people who make up a normal, wholesome existence? Or, are you a ho-bag who wants nothing more than to see a parade of all your old boyfriends, one night at a time.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Translation: Let's think for a moment. What would you say? 'Well, I'm sending it to everyone, but I'm hoping Candice will read my answers then eat shit and die.'
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: This one falls into the, are you kidding me, who gives a flying frig? category.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Translation: You are beyond enormous. Put the fork down now.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Translation: I'm pretend listening to my (boss, soon to be ex, my kid's teacher who phoned because Junior, again, lit the classroom on fire) and would open a vein if I thought it might get me out of this current situation. How about you?
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Translation: Stupid question. I'd be an ugly color. Ass crack brown or maybe that scaley yellow that flakes off the edge of a planter's wart.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Translation: How well does your olfactory gland perform because I'm telling you, honey, you need to invest in soap, Listerine and maybe a perfume that you didn't inherit from your great grandmother.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Translation: Do you even have friends, loser?
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Translation: No, I hate their guts. WTF..........seriously.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Translation: Are you cool (baseball, football, NASCAR), English or
maybe Argentinian (soccer) or a lesbian (girl's college softball).
27. Hair Color?
Translation: Come on bitch. We all know it isn't really blonde. What color is
your hair?
28. EYE COLOR?
Translation: I mean eye color as it pertains to the part that isn't constantly
red from reefer.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Translation: I've seen the guys you date. You should wear contacts.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Translation: You are a hefer, so tell me the truth. I'm thinking Twinkies? Ho Hos?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Translation: With all the other unfortunate deviations in your life already you
don't really need to see another installment of the Michael Myers Halloween
movies, do you? Dumb and Dumber ends on a hopeful note and it's just your
speed.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Translation: Are you intellectual and politically current and correct (Syriana),
hip (anything by Spike Lee) or the big hillbilly loving cracker everyone says
you are (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour).
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: Are you even out of your pajamas yet?
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Translation: Which season produces fewer, 'I just bought out the liquor store, honey,' episodes at your trailer?
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Translation: Don't say, 'both,' unless you are a harlot.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Translation: God, food again? Let's review. You. Big. Don't eat. Period.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the biggest loser?
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the snottiest bee-otch who will delete this thing because if she gets one more frigging survey from you she's going to download a virus on your computer just to get you out of her life?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Translation: Can you read? Because Susie told Patty who told Maggie who told me, you never got past the first grade.
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Translation: Who thinks up this stupid, inane shit anyway?
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Translation: How many hours do you spend in front of the tube eating all that food you love so much, fat ass?
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Translation: Yeah, turn the TV down. There are all kinds of things you might hear. Well and if your dozen and a half children would shut up.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Translation: Which over rated, over the biggest hill there could EVER BE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD bunch of homely ass men turn you on?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME???
Translation: Self explanatory. Oh! But, 'down to the Piggly Wiggly fer by one get one free mac-n-cheese,' doesn't count.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Translation: Hang on, I have to stop laughing. O.K., special talent - what is it? No, pee-writing your name in the snow doesn't count even if you are a girl.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Translation: On the list of things I simply never cared to know, but it's on the damn survey.............
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Translation: I know you're nearly (fill in the blank) years old but, still, who is your really, true for now and always BFF? Fine bitch, I don't like you either.
Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Fun? Exactly how much fun is it to hear this stuff for the thousandth time? Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers. Of course I'll delete your answers. They're stupid anyway and I haven't really read anyone else's answers since the first stupid survey hit my in box ten years ago. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know... I have it on good authority that almost everyone I am acquainted with is well aware of what kind of salad dressing I like, that I am so effing tired of The Beatles AND The Stones I could scream and that there hasn't been a kind of ice cream I won't inhale one time of the month or another so none of these people are waiting with bated breath for my next fascinating survey entry, but if I'm feeling grouchy enough I'll at least send it to those who've pissed me off in the last six months. And Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers. Of course I'll send it back to you. I just said, nobody else gives a crap. The Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know. Only if you actually read the answers and who the hell does that? Remember To Send It Back to me!! Okey doke.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Translation: What the eff were your parents thinking when they dug up the psyche scarring moniker you carry? I hope whatever distant relative they, 'honored,' is leaving you money.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Translation: How completely shitty is your life? Give me details.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Translation: Can you write? Because Susie was telling Patty who told Maggie who told me you never got past the first grade. (You're really gonna need that money).
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Translation: What do you hork down during the day that makes your ass so large? Turkey? Whatever. Only if it's thrown by accident onto a Big Mac.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Translation: How many snot nosed, big mouth offspring have you and your husband had the gall to produce?
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Translation: Now this is just stupid. What's someone going to say, 'No I'm a bee-otch and can't stand to be in the same room with me.,'?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Translation: Just how big a bitch are you?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Translation: This one means what it says but how lame. You should always add the body parts you have had removed and spice it up with bloody details and pictures if you've got 'em.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Translation: Are you suicidal and if you do scrape bottom can I have your diamond studs and that sweet little Prada bag you bought last year?
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Translation: You are enormous. This is less a question than a reminder of the fact that you should be ingesting cereal (even Cocoa Puffs, for goodness' sake) instead of the All You Can Eat at I Hop.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Translation: Really, who in the hell cares?
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Translation: This can be interpreted in several ways. I'm thinking the insult implied depends on your deal. Are you so muscled up people mistake you for your brother? Could you use a little more deodorant? Are you sane or waiting on the curb for the men in white coats?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Translation: This is subliminal coercion. You're eating healthy, losing weight, gaining curves and angles, buying new, pretty clothes. Some, 'friend,' sends you this and you start to think of every kind of ice cream you've ever eaten to determine your favorite. By the time you make a decision, Baskin Robbins is out of most of its 31 flavors because your, 'sample,' size for each was at least two scoops.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Translation: Everyone always says, 'smile,' or, 'eyes,' but you know that's bull shit. People notice the roots you have yet to cover up even after three months of out growth. They notice your Birkenstocks over white crew socks and the culotte you've been wearing since 1977. The only way they notice your eyes is if you do your make up like Tammy Faye Baker. Your smile is memorable only if the spinach you ate (inside a piece of lasagna the size of Italy) is wedged between your front teeth.
15. RED OR PINK
Translation: Are you a slut or a virgin? Sluts like red because it's sexy. Virgins like pink because it fools people into thinking they're virgins.....
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Translation: I know what I don't like about you and the list is loooong, but it might be more fun to know where your weak spots are before taking aim.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
Translation: Are you a decent person? Do you miss your mom, dad, brother, sister, best friend or any of the other people who make up a normal, wholesome existence? Or, are you a ho-bag who wants nothing more than to see a parade of all your old boyfriends, one night at a time.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Translation: Let's think for a moment. What would you say? 'Well, I'm sending it to everyone, but I'm hoping Candice will read my answers then eat shit and die.'
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: This one falls into the, are you kidding me, who gives a flying frig? category.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Translation: You are beyond enormous. Put the fork down now.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Translation: I'm pretend listening to my (boss, soon to be ex, my kid's teacher who phoned because Junior, again, lit the classroom on fire) and would open a vein if I thought it might get me out of this current situation. How about you?
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Translation: Stupid question. I'd be an ugly color. Ass crack brown or maybe that scaley yellow that flakes off the edge of a planter's wart.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Translation: How well does your olfactory gland perform because I'm telling you, honey, you need to invest in soap, Listerine and maybe a perfume that you didn't inherit from your great grandmother.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Translation: Do you even have friends, loser?
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Translation: No, I hate their guts. WTF..........seriously.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Translation: Are you cool (baseball, football, NASCAR), English or
maybe Argentinian (soccer) or a lesbian (girl's college softball).
27. Hair Color?
Translation: Come on bitch. We all know it isn't really blonde. What color is
your hair?
28. EYE COLOR?
Translation: I mean eye color as it pertains to the part that isn't constantly
red from reefer.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Translation: I've seen the guys you date. You should wear contacts.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Translation: You are a hefer, so tell me the truth. I'm thinking Twinkies? Ho Hos?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Translation: With all the other unfortunate deviations in your life already you
don't really need to see another installment of the Michael Myers Halloween
movies, do you? Dumb and Dumber ends on a hopeful note and it's just your
speed.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Translation: Are you intellectual and politically current and correct (Syriana),
hip (anything by Spike Lee) or the big hillbilly loving cracker everyone says
you are (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour).
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Translation: Are you even out of your pajamas yet?
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Translation: Which season produces fewer, 'I just bought out the liquor store, honey,' episodes at your trailer?
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Translation: Don't say, 'both,' unless you are a harlot.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Translation: God, food again? Let's review. You. Big. Don't eat. Period.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the biggest loser?
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Translation: In your opinion, which of your friends is the snottiest bee-otch who will delete this thing because if she gets one more frigging survey from you she's going to download a virus on your computer just to get you out of her life?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Translation: Can you read? Because Susie told Patty who told Maggie who told me, you never got past the first grade.
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Translation: Who thinks up this stupid, inane shit anyway?
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Translation: How many hours do you spend in front of the tube eating all that food you love so much, fat ass?
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Translation: Yeah, turn the TV down. There are all kinds of things you might hear. Well and if your dozen and a half children would shut up.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Translation: Which over rated, over the biggest hill there could EVER BE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD bunch of homely ass men turn you on?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME???
Translation: Self explanatory. Oh! But, 'down to the Piggly Wiggly fer by one get one free mac-n-cheese,' doesn't count.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Translation: Hang on, I have to stop laughing. O.K., special talent - what is it? No, pee-writing your name in the snow doesn't count even if you are a girl.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Translation: On the list of things I simply never cared to know, but it's on the damn survey.............
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Translation: I know you're nearly (fill in the blank) years old but, still, who is your really, true for now and always BFF? Fine bitch, I don't like you either.
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